Future, I can't see. But why?

Hm, this might be wordy post, so if you dont want read it, can close it (: 

There's so much to say, My future, I can't see. But why? Beginning of the year, everyone ask me, What's your resolution for this year? My answer will be 'Studying. Yet, every now and then, everyone ask me, What are you doing?, my answer will be 'Nothing' . But who knows the fear behind every answer, 'Nothing'. It is not easy on me, not studying and working as well. The fear of being jobless and schoolness. I have the fear in me. Everyday, I've been asking myself, What am I doing now? Why am I hanging on the rope for so long? To be honest, I miss school. But firstly, who can I turn to? Who will pay for my fees? Even my aunty is willling to pay for my school fees, I have the fear in letting her down. And now my mom nags at me for nothing. 

Guess you don't even know yours words can't be heard at all. All are so heartbreaking, You blame me for sleeping late and not waking up early for school. But I told you, no matter what, I will go school in the morning. But you are angry, and ask me to quit. I listened and quitted school. Now you don't know that your decision had made me hanging on the rope for nothing, and blame me for nothing. Tell me, who can I turn to in my lowest point of time? When I really breakdown and cry. You scolded me, crazy. What does that mean? You don't even bother to ask me what happen and first word from you was 'Crazy" Tell me, how am I suppose to feel? All I can do is secretly cry in the room, leaving no concern from you. I used to be so close you, talking about what I did in school during the secondary school days. But now? What's wrong? Everytime you angry with me, you wanted me to move out, now that I did, you blame me again. Seriously, I don't know what you want. I listened and did what you told me, and getting all the blames. So does that mean you love brother more than me? Yes, you showed you love him more than me. And I feel no love in the family. But what I want is actions more than words. Everyone said you love me, but what I saw is heartbreaking scene. No one saw what you did to me and side on you. What is this? When its comes to you, I feel so heartpain, close myself up and not telling you anything. Every friend of mine, told me, after all is your mom. But who knows, what you did to me. No one. The actions in front of them is totally different from only me in front of me. You don't know how much your words have affect my whole life and hurt me, Guess you never get it from anyone at all. Those pain, those heartbreaks, tell me, who can understand? Tell me, who saw what you have done to me? I'm not blaming you for anything, but just saying out how hurt am I by you?